Monthly Archives: December 2009

Cloudy Christmas with fructmal

Wow, I have to say I have been overwhelmed recently by all the comments on my blog – particularly the “What is Fructose Malabsorption Disorder?” page! I feel I do need to emphasize that I am NOT a health care professional, just a hardware store cashier that has been suffering with this for a long time and has been able to network with others and educate myself (despite all the misinformation and cr*p out there!).

I have recently discovered that I am not notified everytime someone comments on my blog – I only get a notification the first time someone comments. Once I approve them they can comment without my being notified! Which means some people have been thinking I was ignoring them!
I am trying to redo my settings… hopefully I can fix this so that I always know when someone is awaiting a response!

On other notes….
I have been going through a few bad days lately. Last week I found myself at work with no packed lunch. Normally I would go to one of three nearby places where I could get an edible lunch – either a raw veggie wrapped in veggie leather, a quinoa edamame salad or a rice noodle and shredded carrot salad. Regrettably, all these options are NOT CHEAP and I had a $5 bill and no bank card! ~sigh~
I only get 30 minutes so I can’t stray far and wide searching for food. I broke down and got a microwavable stew – thickened with enriched wheat flour. blech – It was not very palatable (though a BIG brand beginning with “C” and ending with ” ‘s”) and I have been SICK.
Flatulence, skin breakouts, scatterbraining ALL over the place! I have been joking with my customers that I’m flailing around and telling myself I’m “multi-tasking”! LOL!! I haven’t been sleeping well and have been what I call “cloudy”.

I don’t like to call depressed “depressed”. I try to remind myself that this feeling that I’m pathetic and useless and I don’t even know why my husband stays with me and should know better and do better and work harder and be prettier and no matter how hard I try I will never be strong or good or talented or special, just stupid and ugly and useless….. I try and remember that it’s just clouds, passing over the sun. The sun isn’t gone; it’s still shining brightly and beautifully in a clear blue sky… just behind the clouds. Clouds don’t stay forever. They always drift away eventually and it’s sunny again. Clouds don’t stay, the clouds will go away, I’m feeling cloudy but I will feel sunny again… I just have to keep going. Get out in the sunshine. Have a warm, comforting shower. Don’t watch the news or cop shows, watch Rescue Ink or Stargate Atlantis. Something light and positive and keep the faith.

Christmas is coming. Normally I am Miss OMG-New-Ornaments!!!-Tree-Dorky-Antler-Headgear-YAY! This year decorating was a chore that took me five days of plugging away, occasionally stopping to eat, go for a walk, stop the downward spiral of cloudy thoughts about how I should be done and how I’m so behind and I’m just a stupid idiot every year and why did I think I could make my house look pretty when I have no taste and I suck and…blah blah blah. I showered again – just stood under the warm water really, and gave myself permission to cry. Big, ugly, snotty-nose cry. I ended up bent over with one hand on the shower wall and one on my knee wailing in heaved… like I was emotionally vomiting.
Well. The tree is up. I put the empty garland boxes and light boxes away. My husband will vacuum.
Done.

I hate wheat.

😦
AVT